Friday, October 28, 2016

Secrets

I was nine years old, to the day, when I knew the government was my enemy. I was convinced they were lying, keeping information from the world. From me.
That is why I changed my ways. I stopped being a slacker. I never missed a day in school and studied hard.
I waited for them to come to me. They did in my final year at University, just when I started to fret I hadn't done enough to stand out as the perfect recruit.
I accepted the job, after asking for a moment to think about it. I waited for a reasonable amount of time, just like any other would. I didn't want to raise any red flags.
It took me a long time to come to this moment.
I worked in the field for quite some time, earning my promotions, getting closer to the secrets every single climb up the ladder.
And now I am here in the big corner office, my name emblazoned on the door in gold.
I am here and I am trembling.
I am so close to knowing. I am so close to understanding why my father had to die in a godforsaken country, many miles from home.
And I am shaking.
I am so close to where I need to be, so close to where I want to be and I am afraid.
What will happen to me when I do what I have wanted to do for so long?
What will happen to my wife? To our home? To the children?
I am so close. A couple of keyboard clicks away from salvation.
Or will I only find more questions?
What will I do when the truth I want to find is not the truth hidden in the files?
I can't bear the thought.
I will wait. One more promotion and I will have the highest office in the Company.
A few clicks and I could destroy everything I have worked so hard for.
Sorry, father. I will have to find another way to redeem you.
Sorry...
Am I a coward?

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